I am dying...not literally, I guess those were some pretty deceptive first words, but they're totally and completely accurate in describing my current state.
I am the victim of unattainable expectations. I am faulted for not being a mind reader and for not acting in a way those around me seem to think I should. I've already come to the conclusion, meditated and accepted the fact that throughout my life I will be judged on practically every aspect of my life. I just didn't expect it to be so go damn draining. It's a very painful thing to have some one you care deeply for tell you who you are based on the things they've somehow created in that brain like substance in their head.
It baffles me when people tell me who I am as if it were written down in the book off all knowing, irrefutable facts. I am a person who prides herself in doing everything or trying my best to do everything that is morally right no matter the person. So when I act in a way that isn't pleasing and then incorrectly or harshly judged on that act just leaves me confused. How could I who tries her best to do everything right have slipped and done something wrong?
But you know me better than I know myself, so of course when you say that I don't care or that there are things that I should've done to show you that I cared, well then you must be right. I would say these words but I doubt they'd make it to your ears on such a high horse, so I'll save my breath.
I do that a lot. Keep my mouth shut when the words are just sitting on my tongue on the ready, but part of being me means silently taking the punches, because you think their less effective if I don't hit back.
So figuratively I'm dying. I'm lying on the ground after your verbal lashing and your left, right combo, and I'm on the ground gasping for air and instead of reaching out a hand to help me us like I've done so many times, you just walk away actually proud. You tell yourself that I deserved it, that it was time someone put me in my place. You think you're justified.
So I guess I am who I am according to your eyes.
